I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
Just to take the edge off
But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?” “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?” The kid says, “I wanna get laid!” The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.” “But I wanna get laid.” The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, go find a tree with a hole in it and practice.” Ten years later, the kid knocks again on the door. The Madam recognizes him instantly, “Kid! You’re back!” The kid says, “You said wait ten years, so I did.” Did you practice on the tree like I told you?” “Yes ma’am, I did!” The Madam is so impressed that she walks him upstairs to the best lady in the house. As the lady undresses, the kid walks over to the closet, grabs a broom, and starts whacking the prostitute. The lady screams, “What are you doing kid?” “Checking for squirrels.”
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare
He was gladiator.
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
and don't get a reaction
.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I wish for a great wall around England, protecting her, and all the foreigners were gone". With a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England and all foreigners disappeared. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, double the size of it and fill it up with water."
Man: "Yeah… But she's got a great personality!"
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want." Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Smelmop Smelmop Who?
He re-cymbals me, too.
You went from the ladle to the grave.
But this post I made a couple hours ago says otherwise
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?" The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"
It’s beauty was unpresidented.
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
He already has a million degrees
He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.” She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free. “Don’t worry, I can fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. “Good as new, mistress!” She says “This sub really loves reposts.”