I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together…
It was very confusing.
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
Chicken Tenders
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
What happened to the dull knife’s application
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue.
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus
Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?
Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob!
I’m the content creator for the IG of the @. Please don’t hold that against me.
https://ift.tt/2DPJYmQ
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
Bear with me
How do I get rid of it?