I enjoy pun-tificating
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.
It's called 'Facebook'
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
What did the drummer call his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
My wife and I don’t want any kids
My kids are upset about that decision.
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger at him alarmingly and yells “HEY!”
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
I’m a man that knows my boundaries.
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
Police are like a box of chocolates
They'll kill your dog
I called my boss this morning.
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."
Mona Lisa was framed.
Then they hung her.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
What do Mexico and Canada have in common?
They both border on stupidity.
I wanted someone to buy me Nike’s for Christmas
But then I decided, “Eh, I’ll just do it.”
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
My dad told me this just now
Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon Me: Oh jeez Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed Me: Oh my god what happened Dad: He ran out of gas
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman…
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better…" and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956…". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"