I entered 10 jokes in a pun contest hoping at least one would win.
No pun in ten did.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume is stuck at max level”
I thought, well I just can’t turn that down
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane…
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not Happy.
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
If Harry decided to take up painting now he’s stepped back from the royal family…
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
My wife just got her breast pump going…
So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius…. She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.
I just bought an expensive car, only to find the reverse gear broken…
There’s no going back now…
Accidental Dad Joke
Story time: So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house. Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?" Me: "Yes mom." Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice" Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice…" Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
People tend to get shocked…
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
My ex-girlfriend used to beat me with stringed instruments.
I didn’t know she had a history with Violins.
I’m giving up drinking for a month.
That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped
Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins
People say I pronounce my b’s and v’ like a Russian…
Then Soviet…
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
“Tell me what you want.” I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned…
"I want my guitar back."
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.
It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;”papers”
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
This Movie Trailer Thumbnail and Title are Sending Serious Boomer Humor Vibes
https://ift.tt/2QPPJrg
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.