I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping one would win.
No pun in ten did.
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Just beer i guess.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake!!!
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.
So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd, and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and tells him: 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?
When I was in Nepal I decided to eat some roadkill. I asked the chef where he got it and
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
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I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
A young man gathers his courage and decides to come out as being gay to his mother and father
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
What exactly is an acorn?
Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
How warm is a baby just before their birth?
Womb temperature
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
Why do pornos always end with the guy coming?
Because it sure as hell can't start with the guy leaving.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
