I farted in Burger King
It was an absolute whopper
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.
Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?" "Is that you, Frank?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud — lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?" "No — I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists, but mine…
…is just a little pail in comparison.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?
I won't miss you.
‘NSFW’ A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.
So a worker asks the owner: -What should we do? -Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks. So the worker goes to Jimmy: -Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks? -With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you cut it from my salary?
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian
Its like I had never seen herbivore
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…
Boys… I think it’s about time I call it a night.
I’m an adult now, I can’t keep on calling it sleepy snoozies time.
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.
As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti. She giggled and said “I can tell your single”. I laughed and asked “what gave it away?” She said “you’re fuckin ugly”
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
Whoever stole my antidepressants
I hope you're happy now
I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”
He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
If a midget smokes weed…
does he get high or medium?
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
Gay jokes aren’t funny
Cum on guys
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…
and I thought to myself, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a terrible driver."
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, 'that makes two of us'.
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large