I feel alone
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
I can’t stand when people kick me in the back of the leg
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Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet. Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks…
In case I get a hole in one…
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames.
The first girl said: "I call my man 7-Up." "Why do you call him that?" asked her friends. "Because he’s seven inches long and is always up." The second girl said: "I call my man Mountain Dew." "Why do you call him that?" said the other two. "Because he likes to mount me and do me!" The third girl said: "I call my man Jack Daniels." The others look at her in bewilderment and say: "Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." "Exactly."
What are smart people called in America?
Tourists.
My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me/
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!” “No way!” “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.” – Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!” – The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh… No, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
A ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
I never met herbivore.
People always tell me I’m condescending
(That means talking down to people)
“My wife looked at me and said, “you weren’t even listening were you?”
I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
"You crossed the wrong guy."
So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it… that’s the whole fucking joke.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
I can’t find my gone in 60 seconds dvd.
It was here a minute ago
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap.
But I’m clean now.
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.