I feel bad but it’s genuine
Airline food is disgusting
It just isn’t on the same level as homemade and restaurant food
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except the movie Up. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers…
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .
I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.
I went to see an Egyptian doctor to try and fix my back…
He's a Cairo-practor…
When is a dad joke mature?
When it's full groan.
I combined laxatives and alphabet soup.
I call it "Letter Rip."
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
I was up all night wondering where the sun went,
but then it dawned on me.
[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.
One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold shoulder. Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is furious that he would disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a long time. Finally it's our turn and Ving tells me he has picked "Lee" as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about disrespecting their ancestry. Then it's time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can't do it. The lady at the desk says it’s ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. "DAD!" Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, "Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"
What’s a group of Chubby newborns called?
Heavy Infantry
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
Females are just males…
but with more iron.
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
It was Mike the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then added, "The breakfast was my idea."
An ancient Dad joke
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
