I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while on her period?
They said she had a mean flow.
A married couple was in a terrible accident…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers.
Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
If a cowboy is happy
Does that make him a jolly rancher?
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck. They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was…
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "Yes" she said "anything!" "Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "Ok…" "Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "Wha… ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "Ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but none the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a moustache." "Ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach, I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says, "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
When I die, I have but 2 requests.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?” “Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book. “I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked. “First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book. “Do you live around here?” she asked. “Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
Win10
Just got done with a company wide upgrade to Windows 10 and let me tell ya. Windows isn’t even compatible with Windows.
I just turned 18 so now I shouldn’t need my glasses anymore
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
https://ift.tt/3868Lkj
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
He goes undercover
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”
Why can’t a man starve in the desert?
Because of all of the sand which is there.
What comes out if you cross a mosquito and an elephant?
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.
That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers…
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
How do you seduce a farm girl?
A tractor.
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
So a politician dies…
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're a politician…" "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!" "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears… And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right? "Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But… Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside…" Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep… And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again. The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???" "Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted…"