I feel like this meme has potential
She replied “yes, the rest were nines and tens”
She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her. She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is very long but eventually he is able to purchase her a corsage. She asks to take a limo, and so the guy goes to rent a limo but the line is really long to rent a Iimo. Eventually he pays for the limo and they go to the prom together. When they get to the school, there's a line to get in, and after waiting awhile they're finally at the prom. She asks if he would go get her some punch, so he goes over to the table and there's no punch line.
It runs in your jeans
Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?" He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison." Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away. A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he's only smoking one cigarette. Excited, he goes up to the man and asks, "Did your brother get out of prison? You are only smoking one cigarette." He replies: "No, I quit smoking."
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.” “Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.” “Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.” “But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.” “Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.” “But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.” “Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-” “But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.” The priest falls silent. “And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…” The priest still did not answer. “And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well…” The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth – only to find the priest up on the belfry. “Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!” “Back off, I’m not coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the Church's fucking empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
Guess who came crawling back?
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! " The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! " The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "
Swans listened to her rock and roll
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!" The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"
The results speak for themselves.
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says:
"you've got a drink named Eugene?"
But it didn't workout.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO….." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE…."
He disappeared without a tres
…of the indoor fins…
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
I suggest you watch all documentaries this way.
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Because without them their tits would be pointless.
Does that make him a jolly rancher?
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.