I feel the pain
Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says “Terror”
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
I’ve been having sex with my boss
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
These jokes…
At first I thought that these jokes just weren't that funny. Then I realized that I'm depressed… and these jokes aren't that funny.
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It's finger licking good
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!
I love how earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
To the person that stole my broken bathroom scale,..
You won’t get a weigh with this!
If you ever feel your job is meaningless…
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
She gave me ice
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
Today I bumped into the guy who had sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.
Personally I’m on the fence.
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
