I feel this in my soul
Dating is a lot like fishing…
Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot.
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrr!!!
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting โAnother One Bites The Dustโ
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, โDo you have a vagina?โ She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, โDo you have a vaginaโ? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, โHoney I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up againโ The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, โHoney, Iโm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with itโ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. โDo you have a vaginaโ? โYesโ she says. The man replied, โThatโs great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wifeโs alone and start using yours?โ
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
A man heard that masturbating before sex…
A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetterโฆ I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, โI really need a new boat.โ
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
What do you call 100 rabbits in a single file line marching backwards?
A receding hare line.
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.
Christmas was coming and Little Johnnyโs Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santaโs lap and said โSanta, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.โ Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnnyโs parents aside and said โIn all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.โ His parents replied โWe know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. Weโve tried everything.โ Santa thought about it and said โHereโs what weโll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, weโll put a pile of dog poop.โ The parents agreed to try Santaโs plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically โSo Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?โ Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said โI think I got a god damned dog, but I canโt find the motherfucker!โ
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"