I feel this on a spiritual level
It was the least I could do!
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”. “Hey, mind your language!” says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”. Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. “Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop. “Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop. “No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest. “Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”. So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. “Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her. “My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked. “No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a fucker”, says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!” The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. “Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest. “And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop. “And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren’t as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back–wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t uttered a single word this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
…he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke. "Take this apple." "I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke." "Trust me, try the apple." The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!" "Yup. Turn it around." "Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!" Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in. "Vodka and tonic please mate" "Here's an apple." "I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a…" "Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer. He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!" Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!" A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate". "Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!" "Any flavour?" Asks the third man. "Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman. "In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!" "Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple. The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar. "EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like shit!!" "TURN IT AROUND!!"
It was motherfucking gold.
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!
After all it is her thirty second birthday
There's no point
When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day. Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill. Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said “He’s taking a vacation day”. So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’ The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’ The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
But it's a price I'm willing toupée.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"
He won the "No-Bell Prize"
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
In the end we decided to just let her live.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
The odds were against me.
it’s the women that make it hard
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?” The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”
When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man. They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story: "Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified. I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well. I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard. I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice. When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love. Even though we were both exhausted from what happened, we made love the whole night and that was the most passionate love I ever made in my life. In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him." The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life." "Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress… That kind of stuff."