I figured it out guys!
[German] Und was ist, wenn der neue Rammstein-Song auf dem Index landet?
Dann kannst du ihn dir nur noch von der Ursula Leyen.
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelor’s degree.
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
When I was a child I wondered where the sun went at night
Then it dawned on me
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t even know I existed…
I can make the boss give me the day off.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and walks up to the bartender and asks for two beers and says…
"One for me and one for the road"
I combined laxatives and alphabet soup.
I call it "Letter Rip."
So I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage….
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding
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To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
Joke
Police: “Open the door!” – Man: “I don’t want any balls!” – Police: “What? We don’t have balls!” – Man: “I know.”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Who wants to learn about Roman numerals? I for one.
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Who else in the Midwest got absolutely wrecked by the weather?
Who else in the Midwest got absolutely wrecked by the weather?
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto
Why do Afghans have to listen to the radio?
Because of the tele-ban
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend,
but it was just my imagine Asian.
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
How does music say goodbye
Audios
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
Velcro is such a rip-off
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The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"