I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
I’ll be studying a broad.
They will kill your dog
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
It’s fully groan.
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
It got so bad he went baroque!
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans. The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.” The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host asks, “how’s that?” “I just came in my pants.”
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
I have a complex complex complex
But their fawn do
…were upset when their tent collapsed
thanks for nothing.
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I found it a little hard to swallow.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
if it isn't autocorrect?
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
But then I changed my mind!
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
If you can't come, let me know.