I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
I’m following my girlfriend to England for the semester.
I’ll be studying a broad.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
What’s a happy cowboy’s favorite candy?
Jolly ranchers
Trump and Obama are getting a haircut in the same barber shop.
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
Did you know Bach was a big time gambler?
It got so bad he went baroque!
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
Halloween teens Party
A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans. The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.” The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host asks, “how’s that?” “I just came in my pants.”
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
What do you call a communist during winter?
A snowviet
A Mexican magician said,
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex
Did you know that fully grown deer don’t like melted cheese?
But their fawn do
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
To the guy who invented zero,
thanks for nothing.
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My boss the cannibal told me that eating people was company policy…
I found it a little hard to swallow.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
My roommate says our house is haunted
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
What is Homer Simpsons favorite ice cream?
Cookie D'OH!
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant….
But then I changed my mind!
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
