I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
In Laughter, the L comes first
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
Don’t mess with WIFE !!!!
Wife asked her husband to give her the newspaper. Husband: "How backward you are? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper… Take my iPad…" Wife took the iPad and killed the Cockroach. Husband faints. Moral: Whatever the wife asks, give her without argument. Show your smartness in office, not at home.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you
None of them work
Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)
A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it. " – Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?" " – They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." " – And what color are you going to wear tonight?" " – Gold, obviously!" " – Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
A raisin, a peanut, and an oat sit down and order a drink.
The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
A husband and wife were fighting.
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
How do cells multiply?
By dividing.
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
“When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?”
"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having
Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”
Day 5(?) of wfh. My co-worker insists on ‘reviewing’ my code but also brought along an external consultant called Dilophosaurus that only speaks in roars. They keep making additions to the code that end up giving loads of compile errors, but then blame it all on me. Not productive at all.
https://ift.tt/33x5hp5
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet.
Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.
She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”
Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.
The nurse kept insisting my blood was Type-A
I said "NO! IT MUST BE A TYPE-O"
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It was a little drum attic.
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher. "Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to *fuck us*?'”
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”