I finally left 99.
He couldn't keep it 100 with me.
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you
None of them work
I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend
Love meant nothing to her.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
Why was the fool left hanging?
No text found
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
My book on clocks finally arrived
It’s about time!
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
The US is to surpass China and Italy in the coming week for most COVID-19 cases in the world
https://ift.tt/2UFKRq3
My 8 year old came home from school and told me she had a test that day.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
A man goes to church to confess his sins….
He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard." The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad." "Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard." "My son, this is not so bad. 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers and you shall be cleansed." The man interrupts, "Um Father, there was some wood left over, so I used it to build a fence around my yard." The Priest was surprised. "My child, that's a bit worse. You'll have to do 2 full rosaries." The man speaks up again. "Father, you see there was still some wood left and I used it to build an extension on my house." The Priest sighed with discomfort. "Oh dear my child. You'll need to do some real penance for that. Our church courtyard could use an update. Do you know how to build a gazebo?" The man replied, "No father, but if you have the plans, I have the wood."
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
I sell balloons for $1 each, or if you want them blown up it’s $1.20.
I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.