I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
If one person has to go to the bathroom, they have to pee
If two or more people have to go to the bathroom, they have to queue
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
He’s a good buoy
So I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage….
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?” – “Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. – “Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer. – “Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
Pickup line to use at the a hairdresser…
"…excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret”
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.
Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial. Me: I know. I just want it on the record.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?
Count Spatula.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
When I was in kindergarten, I was so caught up in learning the names of all the numbers that I memorized them out of order.
I couldn't see the fours for the threes.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
what happens when the pope dies?
another popes up
Dads are like Boomerangs.
I hope.
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.
Why are gay people bad at math?
Because they can't multiply.
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?” She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.” Surprised, Guido reached for her and the fucking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?” Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.” Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?? Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear… “No, I Norwegian.”
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?………… 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge…
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people in line behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder!
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates
BC now stands for “Before Coronavirus”
and AD is now "After Distancing" Welcome to the new dark ages