I for one…
Love Roman numerals
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot
I don’t know how you sleep at night
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
I had a car crash the other day.
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta
Now it's a Ford Focus
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints!
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
Would you calculate how many people you could afford to lose for unlimited breadsticks?
https://ift.tt/2Z5Ucvb
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Click here to find out!
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
Why was the restaurant so slow?
The servers were down.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. 😆
I’m not complaining, just expressing something most new Web Developers can understand
https://ift.tt/2PZRrG8
Soviet Joke about Jews.
Little Jewish boy Moishe comes home, walks up to his mother, and says: “Mom, mom, I wrote at school today in the column “Nationality" that I’m Russian! “Son, what do you eat for lunch every day?” – "Chicken!" – "And now you will eat potatoes, like all Russian children." Moishe becomes upset, and goes to his dad, he thinks maybe his dad will approve. Going to dad: – "Dad, dad, today I wrote "Russian" in the column "Nationality" at school!" – "Son, how do you go to school every day?" – "By car dad!" – "And now you will ride a tram, like all Russian children." Moishe, very upset, goes to his grandfather, maybe he will approve: – "Grandfather, grandfather, today I wrote "Russian" in the column “Nationality!” – "Grandson, how much pocket money did you get for school every day?" – "100 grandfather!" “And now you will receive a ruble. Like all Russian children." Moishe becomes completely upset, and sits down with his family for dinner. Everyone eats a chicken, winking at each other. Moishe eats potatoes. And then Mom asks Moishe: “Well, son, how do you like being Russian?” – "Damn, I'm Russian just for a couple of hours, and already hate you, damn Jews!
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom’s house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.”
“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
A man goes to a dear friend’s funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.
She says "Go ahead". He says "Plethora". She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
No text found
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.
100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up. “I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.” And with a wave of the angels hand they became absolutely beautiful. They get sent back and the second person goes up. “I want to be the most beautiful person in the world!” The angel stops, “The previous person said that, so I’ll make you the second beautifulest then.” With a wave of their hand the victim transformed and was sent down. It was at this time the person at the back started laughing to themselves. They were asked what he was laughing about but he kept it to himself. And so the line shrunk. “I want to be the 21st beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was laughing loudly now. “I want to be the 51st beautifulest person in the world.” He started rolling on the floor as he laughed. “I want to be the 75th beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was loudly gasping for air as he laughed harder and harder. “I want to be the 99th beautifulest person in the world.” Finally, as the last man wipes tears from his eyes struggling to breath, he walks up to the Angel who was very curious. “Why were you laughing all this time sir?” “I wish they were all ugly again.”
I asked my boss, “Can I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, “It’s May!”
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
After my memory loss, I couldn’t remember the other word for ‘couch’.
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.
Where do you store dad jokes ?
In a dad-a-base
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.” “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.” “After that,” the old rich man continued, “I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me