I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.
…
Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
What’s up doc?
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?”
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
How come teddy bears don’t eat anything?
Because they are always stuffed!
A guy with wet feet enters a bar
The barman asks : Why are your feet wet? The guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A second guy enters the bar and is wet from the knees to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The second guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A third guy enters the bar and is wet from the hips to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The third guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A fourth guy enters the bar and is completly wet. The barman says: I guess you went into the lake to get wood?! The fourth guy says: No. I'm Wood !
Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
Why do stormtroopers only have iPhones?
They couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
Went for a walk and fell into a hole filled with water
It was a day well spent
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
