I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.
Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
Shared on Facebook by my resident boomer
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”
She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I’ll be your devoted boyfriend.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a handsome prince, and that I’ll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog……that’s cool.”
There are boomer in me_irl
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom’s house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Kinda funny-sad rather than funny haha
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
Only scientists will understand this
Where do we start from!!!
How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.” So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”
Bernie vs Billionares
Give me ram
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
Lindsey Graham gets his marching orders
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camoflauge jacket..
You can hide, but you cant run
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
We’re about to have a bad spell…
Mad respect brother
Little late for Valentine’s day
Some people never learn.
Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm…
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
I bought a safe for my home
What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.
enjoying all of the contributions
Even Corona can’t compete with the family gc
Atoms be like
What do you call a hippies wife?
Funds going from the donors to the needy
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No it’s not
Coronavirus brings out the best in boomers…
A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
cat in the ~hat~ box
i got your back grandma
What’s wrong with calling the virus that? It came from there!
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
Oh the irony
Trying to look smarter
What did the reindeer say to a kid before telling them a joke?
“This one is gonna sleigh you.”
You know Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same,
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
This is Funny, Sad, And Cringe All At The Same Time
What do you call a pen that isn’t moving?
Hahaha FuNnY number
My mom was telling dadjokes
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
The only proper thing to do
Posted in the wrong sub and yeah so it’s in this one now..
It ain’t over till the fat lady sings
So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
What my nan posted on Facebook. Glad it told me to laugh incase I forgot.
It’s free real estate
Aweful but true
This is the right subreddit
Let us be free!
Matt sums it up!
In a van down by the river?
Remember to social distance yourself
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
My surname is Turner and my daughter…
Well she’s a real Paige Turner
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it. As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks. The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey." "But it's sinful and wicked!" "How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?" "Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is." "But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?" They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?" The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman. "Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please." The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
DEEPFIRED: Australian PM Scott Morrison known as Scomo caught taking another break
Modern mothers bad
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex
I like to call it Talibangelism!
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.