I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"
The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
Boil the hell out of it.
A buck an ear.
Ruth hits a tree. Johnny decides to continue on. Ruthlessly.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. Before you know it, they're getting down to it. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
I only have my shelf to blame.
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman but he was too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship.
One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought… “She’s probably dreaming about me, and you know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. “What the hell was that?”, Wonder Woman asked. “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”, Invisible Man answered.
where have you been for the last 20 years?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
A pilot, you racist
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like shit,” guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
I'm alright, but I think I dyed a little inside.
… it came completely out of the purple.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)
He gets invited to his girlfriend's house. He stops at the pharmacy and says: "Can I get a condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's house tonight and I think I'm gonna get lucky." "Sure" the pharmacist replies. As he walks out he turns around and says: "Actually, her sister has been giving me the eyes as well. You'd better give me another one" "No problem" the pharmacist replies as he hands over another. He turns to walk out again and turns around: "In fact, the mother has been giving me some signs to. I'm pretty sure she wants me the most. Can I have another?" He takes the 3 condoms and turns up at his girlfriend's house. As they all sit down to eat, they begin to say grace. As the prayer finish and they say amen, the boy keeps his head down. His girlfriend: "Wow, I didn't realise you were so religious" The boy, keeping his head down replied: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist".
Survival of the fetus
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!
then it is on the right foot
When they get older, two of them become adult knees.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
But it was worth a shot
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
Because that's his name.
He had a reptile dysfunction.