I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"
The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
Well… Here goes nothing
No text found
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's different to the other jokes.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Don’t be a dick.
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said “Window or Aisle” ?
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.
GC: I'll direct LD: I'll produce MM: I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don't.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
“My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
In the United States, you’re American.
But in the bathroom, European.
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
I’m getting sick of them
A dad story. If you read till the end of this one, I promise you’ll hate it.
Have I ever told you about the time I nearly died in a plane crash? Well… One dark and stormy night, our cargo plane was loaded with supermarket goods. But we were in trouble! A freak storm had showed up, and our plane was struggling against the hurricane-force winds. After a terrifying hour of this, we lost navigational controls. The pilot had descended to 10,000 feet, and was attempting to search for a safe place to make an emergency landing. But the plane was no match for the fury of the storm. The aircraft was tossed to and fro and the wind threatened to crumple it like a ball of foil. Our fuel was now nearly gone, and the engines were sputtering. As far as we could tell, we were now over some large city. But that was no consolation to us, as we were hurtling to our certain deaths. The captain announced over the comms that everyone should prepare for the worst… The morale of the crewmembers had now drastically fallen. Some of us lay crying in a corner, others had passed out from sheer fear or dread, and still others screamed out desperate prayers in their despair. Everyone, even the captain, had lost hope. Everyone, that is, except for the cargo bay janitor, Steve. Steve just stood there amidst the chaos, rolling with the punches of the relentless wind. As I lay there with my crewmembers, Steve somehow remained standing, and not far off, seemingly without a care in the world. Suddenly, the wind tore a hole in the cargo bay, and four pallets of frozen meat exploded out of it, scattering over the city below. I looked on in horror, imagining the huge slabs of meat destroying rooftops, or smashing pets, children, and vehicles. Steve just watched it all with a smirk. I looked at him, and he, noticing my gaze, turned back with that same wry grin and said: . . . . . . . . . . . . "Now that's what I call a… . . Wait for it… . . . . . . meatier shower."
Poor old man…
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
Me: You made a mean cup of coffee!
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
#2537: Do you have a vagina?
A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this. Man: Do you have a vagina? Woman slams the door in disgust The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again". The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this" The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? " The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
If three is company;
Four is an unpaid intern.