I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs…
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
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People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
I don’t mean to toot my own horn
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
My son and I were fishing and He said to me, “i used to know a guy with a wooden leg named Smith”.
I replied, “funny, what was the name of his other leg”.
Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
I was using ancestry.com and I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
I have a fear of two letter words
I get scared just thinking about it!
Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome…
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
Dad fell through a shop window.
Now he's in pane.
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
A native American shaman had an apprentice
One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer." The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?" The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full." The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and the next day the shaman left on his long trip. But the apprentice turned out to be a terrible shaman. Within a week, the chief could not take it anymore, and left to search for the old shaman. He found him and begged, "Please come back to tribe." The shaman asked, "Why should I come back?" The chief tried bribery. "If you come back, I feed you belly full." The shaman agreed, so they both went back, and the chief gave the shaman a big meal. When the apprentice saw his mentor had returned, he asked, "Why back so soon?" The old shaman explained, "Full me once, shaman you. Full me twice, shaman me."
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
