I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man." "No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.
How do you identify the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
Republicans be like “It’s my AMERICAN RIGHT to be able to choose to pay for insurance!”
https://ift.tt/2N9DSmt
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
I’ve asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.
I never get a straight answer.
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re going to pay.
You have my word
Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
What do you call an evil circle standing up?
A bad circumstance.
I’m a time traveler, just arrived from 1990
It took me thirty years to get here.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
5 y/o me when I heard that two people with both the same name are in a serious relationship…
https://ift.tt/3cR7gIM
My drug test came back negative..
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
Why do hippies drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences