I found out my mom is a boomer this morning
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, "That makes two of us".
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
How did Jesus pay for our sins
He used praypal
Not only did someone post this on Facebook, they reposted it again. Boomer- 100
https://ift.tt/2UMcUFi
I want to start a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time.
It will be called "Do You Have The Skillet Takes"
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
Why do they call him Lord Vader?
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
My wife told me nothing rhymes with orange
I told her βno it doesnβtβ
My wife gets me.
https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL
Jack and the blonde
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
How do you keep burglars from stealing your bagels?
Install new lox.
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
RIP to his back. Looks like he got a tattoo of a bum who lives near a basketball court.
https://ift.tt/2GEHKrF
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
Wife: I have to tell you something, Iβm pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, Iβm Dad Wife: No youβre not.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again……
All they did all night was tell me to βchug,chug,chug,chugβ
Itβs easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But itβs harder to deter gents
A man is lying sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater before the show has even started. An usher walks by, notices the man and says, “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”
The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becomes impatient with the man, "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments, he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "Alright buddy, what's your name?" "Sam." the man moans. "And where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony…"
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
Why were the Native Americans the first to come to America?
Because they had reservations
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I accidentally drank some food colouring yesterday…
I'm alright, but I think I dyed a little inside.
What concert costs just 45 cent?
50 Cent ft. Nickelback
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.
I said, βDonβt worry. We are all in the same boat.β
My friend said, βIβll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kidsβ beds!β
I said, βBoycott?β Him: Thatβs what I mean.
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit