I found out the secret to making money…

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.

Edit : Mother of three.. Edit2 : Mother of two… Edit3 : Mother of one….. Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..

…have the same middle name

"I'm a big metal fan."

FLEECE NAVI-DAD Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!

I didn’t know she had a history with Violins.

that he is getting his instructions from Chuck Norris. Happy, B-Day

Because they're really good at it.

Clausterphobic

None they just beat the room for being black

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits. The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal. “You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.” The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him. The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed. The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Let me know if you can't come

Now I am at the hospital.

“Edward,” says her hands.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times. Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. The woman gets well soon and gives birth to three healthy triplets, two girls and one boy. The incident at the bank gets forgotten over the time. Fourteen years later, one of the daughters comes to her mother, obviously upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." One week later, the second daughter runs to her mother, upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." Another week later, the son comes to his mother, also upset: "Mommy, mommy!' M: "What's the matter, sweetie? No, wait, let me guess. You had to pee and found a bullet in the bowl?" S: "No, but I was jerking off and shot the cat!"

A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like shit,” guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.

Depresso

The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.

DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.

I’m cumin!

Steal.

He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.

Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”  “You miss me that much?” she asks.  “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

Yep. It can happen.

The Ark hives.

Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.

It sounds so foreign.

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!" Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!" "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily. "Gold of course!" I said proudly. She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…

It means a lot to them

It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.

As they went through a tunnel and it became too dark to see and a loud SMACK could be heard. As the train exited the tunnel everyone looked at the American and saw he had a bright red cheek. The old lady thought to herself "I bet that American grabbed that young woman and she smacked him for it." The young attractive woman thought "I bet that American grabbed that old lady thinking it was me and she smacked him for it." The American thinks to himself "I bet that Canadian grabbed that young attractive woman and she smacked me thinking it was me." And the Canadian thinks to himself "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack the American again."

Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.

She really wanted a daughter…

Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".

Come see, come saw

she always gazes at me in Au.

It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.