I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems." Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?" The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended." The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside." The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence." The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives. The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing…. it just let out a little wine.
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at her.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
I was once attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
I never liked myself with facial hair…
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?
A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor
He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground. The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Ahhhh, I remember 2018 like it was yesterday.
http://bit.ly/2BQMo33
Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
It’s beauty was unpresidented.
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Oinkment.
Alabama currently has the highest rate of adultery.
It's the state of affairs.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes