I found these in a newspaper. (They we’re free).
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while on her period?
They said she had a mean flow.
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
Alabama currently has the highest rate of adultery.
It's the state of affairs.
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.
“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him. “I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.” “A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked. “Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”
Game of Thrones Spoiler
Game of Thrones
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
My dad suffers from short term memory loss…
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
Doctor: You should stop masturbating
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.
Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?
Because she's an on-call-ogist
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Joe, then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly, as well. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a-half?" Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman, again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly, again. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
Never treat a woman like an object…
It hates that.
Why did the condom fly accross the room?
It was pissed off…
What do metals call their friends
their chromies
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
My son just called me Jim. I said, “That’s a bit presumptuous. Call me Dad.”
He said, “Now who is being presumptuous?”
A Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
What happened to the frogs car when it broke down?
It got toad away.
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, “Olympic.” Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife…
"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!" Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!" "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily. "Gold of course!" I said proudly. She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her
I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
