Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me… Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once. So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind. Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain. "That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards. "Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?? His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest : "What have you done my child?" Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl : "Because he touched my hand." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he touched my breast." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" (after a few minutes) Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!" Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.
He does a few online courses and begins trading. On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money in his newfound hobby and sticks with it. On the third day, Sting manages a huge profit and decides to reward himself with an expensive Rolls Royce. With his newfound love of trading stocks, Sting decides to put even more of his money into trading, and continues on with it. On the fourth day, high on the previous day's earnings, Sting buys a large amount of unstable stock, putting most of his wealth into it, sure that it is a good wager. The following day a huge news story breaks of embezzlement in the company Sting invested in and its stock drops, losing the musician a huge amount of his money. The following week, he hears a large car pulling into his driveway, and he exits his house to see what this was about. In his driveway he sees a tow truck hooking up to his brand new Rolls Royce, about to be repossessed. "What is going on?" He shouts at the driver and as the driver turns around, he reveals himself to be a Buddhist monk. "A monk?" Sting asks surprisedly. "Why would you be working for a repossession company?" "Well," the monk begins. "You won't believe the amount of karma you can get for repo, Sting."
I'm a bad electrician.
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
He identifies as he/he.
The interviewer asked "Do you have a criminal record?" "No. Is that still required?"
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
Yes, we arson.
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
He replied “Okay, suture self”
But when it happens no one is shocked.
Happy Mother's Day!
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
I'll call it instagram
Well Well Well
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
He charged one and let the other one off.
They're both pro-grammars
There was nothing but de brie.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Does he have no Seoul
A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.” The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader: “Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.” The village leader looks to the doctor and says: “Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest… "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says… “You better hurry home now, my wife died a year ago"
on a plane.
The rest of your life.