I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.
National Dyslexia Association
Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is… " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,…It's burning.. This is going to hurt… It's burning." A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap… you should see my pants." One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
We never made it.
It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
They're both cauldron.
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
It’s parents were in a jam.
For the grater good.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"
…well, that's how I was taught Roman numerals in school.
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
The Invisible man!
Which was a good thing, because he stepped on a land mine
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.