I googled the formula of Neon, Vanadium and Erbium.
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
Fuck off, you won't bring it back
What happens when someone steals uranium
It becomes theiranium
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
I was tortured by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
I was fired from the calendar factory
How? I took a day off
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
Iβm not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
I just turned 18 so now I shouldnβt need my glasses anymore
Iβm still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
Why did the large bucket think the small bucket was sick?
It was a little pail…… π
What did the tailor give to the lawyer?
A lawsuit!!
Many people say that a pirateβs favourite letter is R but…
Itβs actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc