I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had reptile dysfunction
The Girlfriend Joke
So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself. Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?" And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel. So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh… No thanks, I'm good." "Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out." So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this." So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner." So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick. A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it." So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever. So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream. So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me." I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well…alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again." "Wait, what? Why not? What happened?" "Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me." "I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person" "She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me." "I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow." I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on. So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up. Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her. Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE. And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
TIL: Children are born with four kidneys.
When they get older, two of them become adult knees.
A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”
“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
Yesterday I was so hungry I ate a clock
It was pretty time consuming
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
Did you hear about the lumberjack’s first day on the job?
He got the axe after making a cutting remark about some dead wood.
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwww.
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
Percy Jackson, son of the sea God. Did not do well in school.
His grades were below C level.
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? btw I waited 1 whole year to tell this joke
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
OH NO NO NO NO
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it
I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
Pushups are the best form of exercise.
Hands down.
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.
They come with that Elon Musk.
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”. “Hey, mind your language!” says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”. Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. “Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop. “Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop. “No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest. “Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”. So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. “Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her. “My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked. “No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a fucker”, says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!” The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. “Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest. “And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop. “And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”
Just remember you are someone’s reason to smile.
Because you're a joke.
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something
I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because…
I didn’t want him to Babylon…
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”