I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath
“Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains” “Not yet” She replied
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob.’ Bob was stunned.
I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell, 'BOB, wake up! You've shit the bed!
My wireless keyboard isn’t working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
I used to think i was indecisive, now I’m not sure.
No text found
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
A redditor walks into a bar…
v Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse Code
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
Job interview
At a recent job interview I was asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I said "Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."
What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffienated
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.
They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, it will take a really long time to sort everything out. Maybe even years." says St. Peter. They do not mind. After five years, they suddenly see St. Peter running towards them, shouting happily from distance: "Everything is sorted out! You two can now marry each other!" They have the wedding, but after some time, the love begins to fade and they realise they are no longer right for each other, so they ask the St. Peter if it is possible to get a divorce in heaven. Peter looks at them and says: "It took FIVE YEARS until even one priest got here. How long do you think you will have to wait for a lawyer?" If this joke has been posted before, sorry.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
What’s the most important rule when making porno music?
Never use A-minor.
How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
Apparently, I’m in the secret service.
Been so many years and nobody told me.
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
When you submit shitty code two minutes before the assignment is due for a programming class
https://ift.tt/2KRw7A8
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. By the way…
…that was not a question.
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know, because I kept a log.
Everyone knows it’s not socialism if you’re subsidizing people who own for a living.
https://ift.tt/2WfSFRV
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
When you donate food to a church…
is it parishable?
What’s the most nerdy dinosaur?
A thesaurus.
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.