I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
My idea of a professional Hide and Seek tournament failed miserably.
Good players are hard to find.
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!", she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work", the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress", she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me". The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing"…
Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine…
The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing. "God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says. "Things come and things go", the rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our misfortune?" "Don't mind if I do", the Pope says. The rabbi gets a bottle of cognac from his car and pours the Pope and himself a drink. The Pope drinks his cup, but the rabbit does not drink his. "Why aren't you drinking?" the Pope asks. "Me?" the rabbi asks, "I'll wait for the police to show up".
Trump, in a rare moment of candor, reveals his penis size to President Obama.
https://ift.tt/345zdY2
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
What breed of dog leaves permanent paw prints?
A Sharpei 🖊
What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
It pre-pears
Who is this Rorschach guy
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
What do you call a cube with many friends?
A platonic solid
A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
A husband and wife are playing a crossword puzzle
Husband: Emphatic no, 5 letters. Wife: Never. Husband: Pistol, 3 letters. Wife: Gun. Husband: Disgust, 3 letters. Wife: Ugh. Husband: Charity, 4 letters. Wife: Give. Husband: Female sheep, 3 letters. Wife: Ewe. Husband: Pixar movie, 2 letters. Wife: Up.
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
Man: “Doctor, I think I have ADHD: I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”
Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works…" Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
This STEM discord server has enough energy to emit light In the visual spectrum 🔥
https://ift.tt/37QiCtg
I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid…
Man she really wanted a daughter.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood