I got an e-mail saying, “At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!” and I thought to myself…
“That’s just spam.”
My Reddit account has been hacked. If anyone gets a message from me about meat
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
I was going to post a time travel joke..
But you guys didn't like it.
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
And now it’s stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
Why do teenage girls only hang around in groups of odd numbers?
Because OMG they can’t even.
A guy asks a woman “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
I bought a guitar made out of diamond.
Now I can play some hard rock.
Son: D-d-d
Dad: Aw, he is saying his first words. Son: D-dad, I'm fucking 30 and stop making fun of my stutter.
I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoples’ crotch
Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
I just don’t see it.
Tits are like pizza…
…It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
I hit a rat with my car today
It left a ro-dent
A 13 year old boy walks into the whorehouse…
and asks for sex with a girl who suffers from an STD. Aghast, the madame asks him why on earth he'd want an STD. He replies "It's not for me, exactly. I want to give it to the babysitter." She asks him "Why do you want your babysitter to have the clap?" He replies "Well, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to the upstairs maid, the maid will give it to the postman, and the postman will give it to my mom." Horrified, she screams "Why do you want your mother to have the clap?" The kid giggles, and says "She'll give it to the milkman, and he's the SOB who ran over my bike!"
What do you call a fight between a Martian and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Crestfallen.
Today I wished my dad a Happy Father’s Day.
His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!
I’m in a time traveling rock band
It's called AD/BC
Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. “I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts” he says.
"You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" comes the reply. "You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned! Get out!" she storms. Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?" she asks as the man returns. "I want to turn you upside down, fill your cunt with Guinness, and then drink every last drop". The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up, Love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right, he's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my cunt with Guinness and then drink it all…" she cries. The husband stops, puts down his bat and then returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love… I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness."
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
Why don’t ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
I once walked in on my teachers having sex
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta