I got banned from the secret cooking society…
For spilling the beans.
Pupils, coz they dilate.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
She had to. We only had one chair.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
“Wait!" I shouted. "I can change!"
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
Especially because his name’s Steve.
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
After 5 chamomiles, I was exhausted.
I think I’m being stalked
She was insulted, punched and spit on Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
I can’t stand it!
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.