I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
How do scarecrows fix flat tires?
They use a pumpkin patch!
Did you hear about the guy that got hit with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
What do you call a man with a shovel?
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
Why can’t T-rexes clap?
Cause they’re extinct
It’s that time of year again.
One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?" He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
I have a playlist of songs from Eminem, The Cranberries, and the Peanuts.
I named it The Trail Mix.
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
I can’t believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts…
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough
I’ve just handed in my Too weak notice.
At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, “I want to try doggy tonight.”
Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees. So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart" The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "What? What about doggy?" The husband replies, "Honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverland's.
I have a complicated phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex complex. Credit: my buddy Drew
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
I was caught by a gang of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on me…
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A Famous Spanish Magician takes the stage for his world famous disappearing act…
He quiets the audience by raising his hand and then begins to speak… "Uno…" "Dos…" And then he vanished without a Tres.
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot 🥕
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
I am writing a drama on puns.
It's going to be a play on words.
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?" A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend. I'm really happy that my prayer worked.