I got fired from the sperm bank
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
Why did the Mexican keep a wheel of cheddar in his truck?
In Queso emergencies
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
So the doctor apologized to me for making me wait
I told him im patient
Congrats to President Daddy for Record Time Passing MEAN PEOPLE BULLY ME ON THE INTERNET ACT
https://ift.tt/36LFRWr
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
What do you call supersonic yoghurt?
https://ift.tt/2Kx7Tv9
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Got my dad with this one
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day…
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse
I poisoned my wifes pita dip
The police charged me with hummus-cide
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
I told my wife, “I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn’t feel as good anymore”
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
I’ve been so bored recently, I decided to take up fencing…
My neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back…
What’s the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
