I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
The teacher walked into the classroom
and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did manage to spell it correctly. "Wow!" she said. "Well done. That's quite a mouthful!" The kid replies, "No, you're thinking of a blowjob!"
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.
The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he goes to the sheriff just to make sure he isn’t breaking the law in anyway. He explains everything and the sheriff just laughs and says, “Of course those Russians are buying your potatoes, Russians love dictators!”
I threw a boomerang a few years ago..
I now live in constant fear.
This girl keeps coming into my pub holding up protest posters.
I think I'm going to banner.
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
Yes
https://ift.tt/2Hh05xn
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
I don’t like stand-up comedy
But I do like sitting down
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
How does Bill Gates count to ten?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it the crucifact.
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios…"
Why doesn’t Karl Marx like Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
The problem with Trump jokes:
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s Dog and Schrodinger’s Cat
She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as you can get.
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dad•a•base