I got gas today for $1.39
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
I watched a documentary on frogs the other day
It was ribbiting.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is going to be one hell of a week.
6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat three squares meals a day.
At last I found some concrete IT support
https://i.imgur.com/xKsNWyA.png
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
My friend keeps making up imaginary Middle Eastern countries..
I have to remind him what Israel.
Joke
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?
He’s called Broco Lee.
A man is poor so he gets a job at the juice store…
He is so happy with his job and he works very hard all day and all night. He impresses his manager and he soon gets promoted to supervisor. As supervisor, he does a great job keeping watch over the employees and is a great leader. After six months, he has done such a good job he gets promoted to manager. When the man is manager, he remodels the juice store and always makes sure he is the last one to leave the store every night. He is very hard-working and always wears a smile. One day, he catches the attention of the company president, who quickly promotes him to the company Vice President. The man is stunned and continues to demonstrate his work ethic everyday. Two months later, the company president passes away and the man is suddenly promoted to the company president. Years later, the man sits in his chair on the top floor of his company building, overlooking all of his hard work. In the distance, he sees all of his juice stores, each one with a long line out the door. He sees the orange juice line, the grape juice line, the lemonade line, but something was wrong. The man suddenly realized his big mistake. There was no punch line.
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
“Susan?” “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!” “Very good. What about you, Johnny?” “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”
How do you measure the mass of a Red Hot Chili Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Clo-rocks
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
NSFW.. Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
The spaghetto
I was sitting in a bar lastnight…
When the bartender yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said back, "CPR? I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed, except this one guy.
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up…
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
The owner of a circus goes into the big top to inspect it
While he's there this scrawny little guy walks in. He walks over to the boss, and he says ''Are you the boss here?'' The circus owner says, ''Yeah. What do you want?'' The kid says, ''I'd like to join the circus. I got an act." The carnie is intrigued, so he says, ''Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is.'' So this little guy goes over to the center pole and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top. And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms. And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. Pshew! He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes. Then he gets all the way up and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground. Flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And once he's safe on the ground again the kid asks, ''Well, what do you think?'' The which the boss says, ''That's all you do? Bird imitations?''
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
When you hear Google has new training for its AI but realize its based off of Reddit
When you hear Google has new training for its AI but realize its based off of Reddit
If Matthew McConaughey had a cat, what color would it be?
All white, all white, all white.
A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
My daughter told we she is a vegan.
I told her it is a huge missed steak.
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.