I got in a fight with frequency the other day
I lost and it still Hertz
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but Iβm not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
My five-year-old just asked me what my name is and I told him “You know what my name is.”
He replied, "Your name is 'You know what my name is'?" I've never been prouder.
Why do HK police go to work early?
To beat the crowds.
Training for dad level jokes.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level. Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers. At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
When you see your Gurt
Yo, Gurt!
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
No I donβt want to play who can act like a cat the longestβ¦.
No I donβt want to play who can act like a cat the longestβ¦.
My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.
He said, βIt must be drawn to scale.β
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, βPierre, kiss me!β
So, Pierre grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips. βWhat are you doing, Pierre?β shrieks Marie. βWell, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!β His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says, βPierre, kiss me lower.β Pierre rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits. βPierre, what are you doing?β βMy name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!β They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, βPierre, kiss me lower.β Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, βPIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?β βMy name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!β
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
My wife thinks I donβt give her enough privacy
At least thatβs what her diary said
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
This joke was posted by the user u/propane13 a year ago and itβs brilliant and I thought more people need to see it so here it is (I take absolutely no credit for this)
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
A young man goes off to college
A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him. "Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I going to go about getting more dough?" Then he gets and idea and phones his father. "Dad, you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with!" he says. "Why, they have a program here that will teach Rex how to talk!" "That's amazing!" exclaims his father. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the son says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, he again runs out of money. He calls his father again. "So, how's Rex doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!" "READ!?" says his father. ""No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class," the son says. So the father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the son finds he has a problem. When he gets home, his father is going to find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Rex?" asks his father. "I can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the son says, "I have some pretty grim news. When I got out of the shower this morning, Rex was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messin' around with that hot blonde who lives on Minute Street?'" The father replies, "Damn! I sure hope you shot that lyin' dog!" The son replies, "I sure did, Dad!"
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasnβt important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldnβt talk to him about it. The manager said βDonβt worry, itβs a naan-issue!β
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Why doesnβt whereβs Waldo go to the gym
Because no one can spot him
A man walks into a brothel…
Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food. He walks up to the desk and slams Β£1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks at the cash on the counter then back to the man "Sir, with that sort of money you could have the most delicious steak cooked to perfection along with the most stunning girl you've ever seen. And she'll please you in ways you can't imagine letting you do what ever you wish to her " The man looks the madame strait in the eye and says "sweetheart, I'm not horny I'm homesick"
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
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