I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.

Eventually I folded

Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.

Muhahahahahahammed

Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

No text found

Czech mate, atheists

Never mind, you won’t get it.

Batman

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar. ​ One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body." ​ Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." ​ So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties." ​ Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." ​ So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out." ​ So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro. She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina. He says he wants to kiss me all over my body." ​ Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete. He says "Where is he? I will cut him in half." ​ Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties." ​ Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice." ​ Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out." ​ Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again. ​ Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half." ​ Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."

My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.

A slug

They seem a bit shady.

Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.

It was motherfucking gold.

The hip replacement guy!

Attire

I am unable to deal with the current situation..

North Polish

a cold shoulder

#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8, #a9a9a9, #ababab, #aeaeae, #afafaf, #b0b0b0.

Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.

Cause they know he actually did it.

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it? professor: okay there is one stupid question.

For my black jeep…

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage." With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number. "Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers. "No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end. "You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like." He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks. "Hi, can Dave come to the phone?" "I told you you have the wrong number" "That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like" He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks. "Is Dave available?" "LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!" "And that's rage." "Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows. "And what might that be?" asks the professor. "It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number. "Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"

Dad: No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

My life…

An oncologist.

Now I want to break three

Pasta-lavista

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

They both border on stupidity.

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

    ..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.

It was fake noose

A boss said to his secretary I want to have sex with you and I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 dollars on the floor and by time you bend down to pick it up I’ll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said to her “but ask him for 2000, pick up the money very fast he won’t have enough time to undress himself”. So she agrees! Half an hour later the boyfriend calls back and asks “what happened?” She responds: “The bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still fucking!”

I then came in cider.

I can also tell if they are standing.

They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3

That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody

In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank, where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.

I always knew we would wipe ourselves out

Notre Dame

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.