I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
If you smoke seaweed
You need professional kelp
People tell me that my phone is more powerful than the computer that put astronauts on the moon.
Yet when I use my phone to navigate it will tell me to turn when there is no turn. But I guess it makes sense since there aren’t a lot of turns between Earth and the Moon.
i was going to say a joke about a blunt spear
but i don't see the point
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
The Furniture store kept calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
I just quit my job at the helium factory…
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
Someone looked at me at the store today and yelled “SIX FEET!”
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye, matey”
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
I hade to remove my oldest dagger from my knife collection
It just didn't cut it anymore
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
