I got yakuza and jacuzzi mixed up
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.
Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting. The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?” “What are you doing?” the cop asked. “Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.” Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?” “I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded. “How old are you?” the cop inquired. “I’m 22, Officer.” “And the girl—how old is she?” The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
I wasn't putting on enough shifts
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
They call me Scarf Ace
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
You’ll get Jurasskiced
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
Look for Fresh Prints.
A roamin’ catholic
A Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex
She almost poked my eye out.
I have contacts
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
Because you can’t C in the dark
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
If you're one of those people, don't worry.
An udder disaster
You get a laughingstock. Which is humerus.
….could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
and I thought to myself, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a terrible driver."
He couldn't see that well.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Often, she's a hoe.
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Groom: After me.. Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious? Bride: No, his name is Mike.