I graduated with a Chemistry degree, but the only job I got was testing carbonated beverages.
It was Soda grading.
What is an archeologist
Someone who’s career is in ruins
I dated a twin once…
I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.
![You may get this [insert shitty Samsung emojis]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/cvsim38ov4931-400x437.jpg)
What do English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
What do you call an old, Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
What do you call a hippies wife
Mississippi
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies. poof The horse disappears. This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”. But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
New Tesla’s dont have a new car smell
The come with a Elon Musk.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.
At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
People with diarrhoea are easy-going…
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Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?
She's definitely plotting something.
I’m an American, and I’m sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
![[OC] Still at work tonight. Pixelart](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/no_image_card-76-400x247.png)
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink …..
so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
Wanna hear a HIPAA joke?
Sorry, I can't tell you.
A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Who wants to learn about Roman numerals? I for one.
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An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in tront of him. St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation" The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City" St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says "yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord" The priest is next, St Peter asks him " your name and occupation" "Father Samuel, minister of the church of God", the priest eagerly replies. After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the preist and says " very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord" At hearing this the priest is indignant, " what, but I've been faithfully serving the lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me". St Peter stares silently at the priest. Finally he replies, " my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed".
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
