I graduated with a Chemistry degree, but the only job I got was testing carbonated beverages.
It was Soda grading.
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
Well, toucan play that game.
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
I barely qualify.
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
I'm under a lot of pressure
I can fall asleep with a light on.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
but this isn't even my final form.
I have only my shelf to blame
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Neither have eye
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
"I can't complain" He said.
My Korea is over
Because they can't even.
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right." God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left." Then he asks Trump, "What do you think?" Trump: "I think you're sitting in my chair."
Because they once had a fight and 71. Sorry guys.
She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know."
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
The police charged me with hummus-cide
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
The way they pronounce unionized
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman. Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"