I graduated with a Chemistry degree, but the only job I got was testing carbonated beverages.
It was Soda grading.
The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing. "God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says. "Things come and things go", the rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our misfortune?" "Don't mind if I do", the Pope says. The rabbi gets a bottle of cognac from his car and pours the Pope and himself a drink. The Pope drinks his cup, but the rabbit does not drink his. "Why aren't you drinking?" the Pope asks. "Me?" the rabbi asks, "I'll wait for the police to show up".
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
Do seahorses scallop?
If they’re pasta expiration date.
It was really eye-opening
You. You read ''Person'' wrong.
But I can see where you are coming from.
But I'm clean now
You look for fresh prints
When you replace the b with a d
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.
when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!"
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I may be able to save you 10 grand."
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
To break on through to the other side
They kind of fell off.
I woke up exhausted.
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
Both crews have been marooned.
That was my wholemeal…
They are just trying to be edgy.
How do you drive this thing
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar. One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out." So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro. She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina. He says he wants to kiss me all over my body." Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete. He says "Where is he? I will cut him in half." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties." Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out." Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again. Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half." Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Idiot, get in."
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)
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He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
it's a naan stick pan
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
But when i do, he usually laughs
I said go stand in the corner it's 90 degrees