I guess Donald fell off the wagon
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed.
It may sound far-fetched but it’s true. I watched it all unfold.
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you’ll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
My wife screamed in pain during labour
I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I was surprised to find that “Trailer Park Barbie” doesn’t come with bruising on her body
Then I realized battery not included
My wife said to me “you didn’t hear a word I said did you?”
I thought to myself. That's a funny way to start a conversation.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places….
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
No text found
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right! I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
Win10
Just got done with a company wide upgrade to Windows 10 and let me tell ya. Windows isn’t even compatible with Windows.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
My account is a joke
It’s April fools and my cake day
My friend wouldn’t stop telling me bird puns
Little did he know toucan play at that game
[NSFW] A Lawyer Marries a Woman who has had 10 Divorces.
On their wedding night, she tells him, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … Ohhh … God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
These scare me most about the future when it’s a younger millennial sharing this drivel.
https://ift.tt/34p9pX8
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
There’s only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice
And that’s Chris Brown
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.
I guess it was a moving violation.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
Me: “I bought my girlfriend a plant.”
Kid: "Is it real or fake?" Me: "Fake." Kid: "Of course, and what about the plant?"
What does a panda use to make pancakes?
A pan…duh
What do pigs and ink have in common?
..they both belong in a pen….