I guess he should have worn board shorts.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
The creator of mad libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
Today I met the underwater spy
His name was James Pond
My daughter told we she is a vegan.
I told her it is a huge missed steak.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
I’ve asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.
I never get a straight answer.
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
I finally told my friend I have been sleeping with his mom…
I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother. Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out and say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.
She was a dish
I recently got a Delorian but…
…I only drive it from time to time.
Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.
The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?” The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.” The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.” The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”
I found r/atheism the other day
Still can't believe it
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
It Do Be Like That For Characters Like Master Chief And Countless Superheroes
It Do Be Like That For Characters Like Master Chief And Countless Superheroes
Please stop with the dad jokes until this pandemic is over.
Let's all just stick to inside jokes for now.
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner
My girlfriends place is filled with bees!
She's a keeper…
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
Rules Clarification
Hey all you cool cats and kittens,Since half of the shit y’all like to submit is absolute garbage that doesn’t fit this subreddit whatsoever, this subreddit is now approval only. That means your post will not show up in new no matter how many times you resubmit it. As well, we’ve added a neat little reminder when you post here. I’ve pasted it below for your convenience.If your post is not a cartoon, please head down to /r/terriblefacebookmemes. If your post is wholesome or actually funny, try /r/goodboomerhumor. If the art is decent, it probably should go in /r/im14andthisisdeep. If your post is a political cartoon, it will be removed. If your post is the fucking hair dryer cartoon, you will be shot on sight.As well, I’d also like to remind everyone that cartoons that are just about the coronavirus/lockdown/quarantine/social distancing do not a boomer post make. Most of these posts are just observational humor and not making a stupid joke. Examples of jokes that would fit are things like “I’m locked up with my family and I hate them”, “I wish I were at work because technology is the worst”, “the virus isn’t that bad, kids these days are just sensitive.”That’s all folks!
I used to think I was indecisive…
But now I’m not so sure.
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
It’s tricky knowing when to take the tea bag out.
There's a steep learning curve.
I broke my finger today
But on the other hand im fine
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who hated negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
A Discardigan.
Three men were sitting together bragging..
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"