I guess not
How do you cure depression ?
Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.
Totally nailed it.
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
My priest is a lawyer.
He's my father in law
How did the potato feel about being uprooted?
It was a root awakening.
My sister bet me $15 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things. The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?" The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!" The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender." So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender. "Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says. "I do." The bartender gurgles back. "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks. "Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!" The astronaut is on the edge of his seat… "The reason it's called the Keyboard is because… it's a space bar."
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
What do you call a pen that isn’t moving?
Stationary.
Are you the enemy of my enemy?
Asking for a friend.
orion’s belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
What do you call a sword that doesn’t weigh much?
A light saber
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I’ll name my child $2y$10$ugTh9EyUvedMTndo0PvF4.YKZaHX6OsMirqjR6ApgASNPrRikwBGS
https://ift.tt/2WcbTYa
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
No text found
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.
That came out of nowhere.
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
A guy with wet feet enters a bar
The barman asks : Why are your feet wet? The guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A second guy enters the bar and is wet from the knees to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The second guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A third guy enters the bar and is wet from the hips to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The third guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A fourth guy enters the bar and is completly wet. The barman says: I guess you went into the lake to get wood?! The fourth guy says: No. I'm Wood !
Just got back from the Transformers convention
and boy are my arms tires.
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
I was applying for Australian citizenship, the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website…
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven….
He asks God, "How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve." God doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
Some heavy stuff my teacher puts in our Homework during Coronavirus Homeschooling.
https://ift.tt/2WTxo0t
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.