I guess the joke’s on him
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
I never quite understood dolphins…
I mean, what’s their porpoise?
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one. St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps. Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy. Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy. The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
I was on the motorway and desperate for a wee.
"Quick, pass me your bottle!" I told my son, grabbing my crotch. Bloody useless that boy. He just sat there crying in his car seat.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
When I was a boy..
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
Secret security
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore.. They should yell "Donald, duck!"
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
Otherwise
Otherwise
Alligators can grow up to 15 feet…
But most only grow four.
If Hooters started delivering
Would they change their name to knockers?
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
What is Yoda’s last name?
Lay hee hoo