I guess this belongs here…
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
You don’t want me to treat you to a bespoke outfit from my tailor?
Fine, suit yourself.
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.
"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks. "Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with. Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?" "Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy." "I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?" "We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs." "Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?" "Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."
I plant my herbs in alphabetical order
You might ask how i find the time It's easy it's right there next to the sage
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
The word nun…
…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
Why are communist jokes so funny?
Everyone gets it.
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
Why can you get arrested if you tell Optimus Prime a joke?
Vehicular man’s laughter.
Science gave us skyscrapers and airplanes…
Religion brought them together
My wife screamed in pain during labour
I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
Where can you get gas for a $1.49?
Taco Bell.
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend…
At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you *fucking* sorry?"
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
Hey kids! I put that Waze app in charge of my music playlist.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funny…"
![SALUTE ME WHILE I STEAL FROM THIS ARTIST [Credit to u/evalinee on r/im14andthisisdeep]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/mlg3izzk87j21-400x515.png)
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
We cannot allow this year to end
That would be admitting that 2021
