i guess you write
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
What type of doctor works after hours?
An On-Call-ogist
Anal Deodorant
A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?" The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that". "Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from here". "I've never seen any" she says, "but I'll ask my manager". The manager comes to the counter and says "Hello, just making sure I understand what you're wanting, did you want some anal deodorant?" "Yes" the man replies, "I've bought it from here before and I'd like some more please." "OK" says the manager, "I've worked here for over 10 years and I'm sure we've never sold anal deodorant." "But I've bought it from here before!" the man protested, "tell you what, I'll find my old one from home and bring it in to show you." The next day he walks into the shop again and finds the same manager, "Look!" he says smugly, "here's the last anal deodorant I bought from here!" The manager takes it from him, inspects it carefully and replies, "I'm sorry sir but this appears to just be a normal stick of deodorant." "Not at all!" the man says, "look on the back, it clearly says: Take off cap and push up bottom."
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
What kind of music does a balloon liseten to?
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
My girlfriend left me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who’s come crawling back
Why Americans don’t use metric?
Foot fetish
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant
Robin: “Batman, this is Robin”
Robin: "I'm calling on the batphone, from the batcave. The batmobile won't start!" Batman: "Have you checked the battery?" Robin: "what's a tery?"
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
I wish I had the sexual power of snow.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
You know Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same,
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
My dog ate my computer science homework
It took him a couple of bytes
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car………
I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
An Astronewt
Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means
Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?
Because it wasn't apparent who did it.
A racist man walks into a bar…
He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy." As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man." As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?" The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
I pushed a chinese person down a flight of stairs
It was wong on so many levels
